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Sometimes


Sometimes the day is exhausting.  My list of things to do feels so daunting and everything is overwhelming.  Even the fact that my hair just will not look cute in a messy bun.   Sometimes I feel so small in a world that is so very, very big.  I wonder if the tiny part I'm playing is making a difference.  Are my words and my actions part of the solution?  Or I am simply adding to the problem?  Sometimes I feel physically heavy and I need a way to let it out, to blow of steam, to release all the thoughts and emotions I am feeling all at once. Sometimes, I put on my pajamas and let my fingers dance on the keyboard in an attempt to get the words in my brain out of me and onto the screen before me. I wonder if the words I have to say should be kept between just me, myself, and I, or if sharing them will be worth the effort it took to get them out.   Sometimes I have to inspire myself.  I have to talk myself up. I have to give myself a pep talk...a reminder of all the things I am and can be and can do...and all the things I will be and will do.  Sometimes I have to speak sternly.  Other times I can speak softly and gently to myself.   Sometimes I have to catch myself before I spiral.  I have to unwind my self and get myself back on two feet.  Balance Emily, balance.  Sometimes I let myself cry; for no reason and for every reason.  It's cathartic and it's self pity and it's frustration and it's injustice and it's hurt and it's healing.  All at once. Sometimes I huff and I puff and then I let out one long, deep breath.  I listen to the expanding and shrinking of my lungs and let it my own signs of life soothe me.  Sometimes I walk myself down memory, the good and the bad.  The pictures are all so clear in my head.  The sounds, the smells, and every feeling.   Sometimes I day dream about the future and plan it all in my head, down the littlest of details.  It seems silly and it seems confident too.  Sometimes I feel guilty and I apologize to myself.  I'm sure I need to apologize to more than just me.  Sometimes I'm proud and I give myself praise for a job well done.  Congratulations.  I've made it through this day, this hour, this minute... Sometimes my heart starts to race with worry and I am certain it's going to beat right out of my chest.  Or if nothing else, it's certainly going to explode.   Sometimes I can rest so well and my breathing is slow, and deep, and steady, and my heart beats almost as if it wasn't working as hard as it is.  Sometimes I remind myself of all I've been through and allow myself to use it as a reason to do or be less than...just for a moment.  Sometimes I am impressed with myself for all I have accomplished with all the limits that have been placed on me.  But I know there are so many who have it much worse than me.  Sometimes I get lost in wondering "what" or "if" or "why" or "when".  Those can be full of worry or fear of full of beauty and magic.   Sometimes I focus on all my energy on being in the moment I'm in.  I won't get it back.  I won't get another like it.  I want to remember that one.  And this one too  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to look or feel or be someone besides me.  Taller.  Smaller.  Blonder.  Greener eyes.  Quieter.  Smarter.  The list goes on... Sometimes I don't feel woman enough, empowered enough, strong enough, brave enough.  At least not as much as I sometimes pretend to be.  Sometimes I feel as though I could take on the whole wide world...and win.  Sometimes I fully embrace being me.  The many, many thoughts.  The incredibly deep feelings.  The past, the present, and looking toward the future with hope and excited anticipation.   Sometimes I run out of words and out of thoughts.  My fingers slow down and I realize that I feel lighter, brighter and somewhat free.  Sometimes All the time I know, I boast in, I have confidence that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves and is with me and fighting battles for me all the time.   My victory over all of the many 'sometimeses' of life has already been won.  Because of the blood and the name of Jesus.   The exhaustion gives way to rest in the arms of grace, mercy and love of my Savior.  And I am feeling whole again. 


#sometimes #Jesusistheanswer

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