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Your Whole Life

This got me. This blurry little e-card or meme or whatever it's got me. It made me stop. It made me hold my breath.  And I cried.

Because it's true. Because it's what I needed to be reminded of. Because it's what I used to - and sometimes still do - fear.

That my half a heart will only allow me to live half a life. That nothing I do will ever be whole. That I won't obtain what I want and won't reach my full potential because a part of me is missing.

I got mad when my mom told me that I could probably never be an astronaut since they probably wouldn't let someone with my heart into space. I didn't even want to be an astronaut, but the fact that I would never be able to made me mad. I got jealous when my friends and my siblings played sports and participated in gym and I couldn't keep up, or wasn't even allowed to play. I thought any hope or potential I might have had of being a professional athlete was crushed because I only had half of a heart. The part of me that was missing seemed to be the key to doing everything in life I wasn't able to do.

I remember that miserable feeling. That feeling of being angry so often. The feelings of wondering what would happen to me in the future and wondering how far in to the future I would make it. Wondering if I'd ever live on my own, have a career, be able to marry and have children. Wondering if I would be dependent on medicine, on doctors, and on other people for the rest of my life.

But it changed. Not in a day and not overnight. But as time went on I realized something. I realized that what makes me whole has nothing to do with a tiny ventricle in my heart. What makes me whole has nothing to do with what I can or cannot accomplish. What makes me whole has nothing to do with what the future may or may not look like. Because what makes me whole is the very One who made me.

When God made me, he didn't forget to give me the other parts of my heart. He didn't do it on purpose to punish me or my parents. He didn't do it because he wanted see me struggle and squirm.

He did it with a purpose. He did it to give me a way to connect to Himself. He did it to tangibly show me His love and His grace and His mercy. He did it to demonstrate He would never leave me or forsake me. He did it as a way for me to share Him, to share how His hand been on my life since my very beginning. He did it as a way for me to grow, to learn, to build character and to become the person He intended me to be.

And that makes me whole. Knowing that the God of the universe put a whole lot of love, and blessing, and thought, and care, and kindness into making me half-hearted. That Jesus died on the cross so that I could live in hope and excitement for the future. That Christ has given me all that I need to face anything that may come my way. That through the guidance and help of the Holy Sprit I can live without fear or worry.

So yes, I only have half a heart. And yes, I will spend my entire life taking medicine and seeing doctors. And I don't really know what may happen years down the road in my future. But I'm going to live my life wholly. I'm going to live whole, and full of hope and excitement. I'm going to plan to share my whole story for all who will listen. I'm going to thank and honor and praise Jesus with all of me for my whole entire life.

For He, and He alone can take the halves that I have and make them whole.

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